Healing and Mending Back The Pieces

Pages from my journal, Galit Balli, Coffee n' Notes

This post was meant to be published weeks ago, but I always pull the plug on it, and put it in my drafts pile, while my other posts are going into my backlog, as I wait. I don’t know why, but I had a hard time posting this, I guess it’s because this is a very personal post. But I need to see these words fly out of me, so I can continue with my healing process. So I decided to share with you some of the entries from my journal.

I write this entry in the mids of a storm, while the wind howling and the rain hits the bedroom window with great force that I was sure the window will break. It is 3 am, but I had the urge to write this, maybe someday I will even share it, hopefully. First I wrote a few scattered thoughts in my journal, trying to form any real sentence that will make sense. And as I kept writing and writing some more, my thought settled and my voice was finally showing again ( how I missed that). Images, unspoken words, and thoughts surfaced and this time, I didn’t push them aside, this time I welcomed them and took notes. For the first time in more than a year, I felt connected again, I felt at peace, I felt me again.

2020 was brutal in so many ways for me and for the world. It felt like crawling inside a snake pit, in the darkness, completely lost. My heart broke, it shattered into million pieces, at least that is how it felt for months and months. I lost my soulmate (None romantic, lol) best friend which broke my heart, leaving me crying for days that quickly turned to months until I’ve done the only thing I could do for my mental health and that is to say goodbye to that relationship. Months later my mom had passed away and my heart shattered even harder, so hard that my entire body shook and broke in so many ways, It felt as if an earthquake going through my body, breaking everything in me, leaving me standing there trying to hold onto the broken pieces together and not break completely.

After all of that… The only option I was left with is to either go back to my old ways, my destructive ways, or to truly heal myself, heal my heart, heal my body, heal my surroundings, and get back to my truth, my true self.

So I started with the basics of self-care, not the self-care we see in most posts and on youtube where you do a bubble bath, drink some wine, workout and you are all better. NO! All these are perfect to do daily or weekly, but I needed something deeper, something stronger. So I turned inward started to ask all the questions, I didn’t want to ask.

I wrote a lot (A LOT) in my journal, and after reading my thoughts, again and again, what stood most is that our human experience is based on pain and joy. I am an expert at pushing that pain, ignore it, and shake it away from me, but this time I couldn’t. That earthquake that crushed me, left me bare and completely lost. This time, I couldn’t push that pain aside, ignore it in the hopes that no one will see these scars that will leave their mark on me. NO! This time I knew that I truly needed to heal and be myself again.

I don’t think I ever felt this pain and sorrow as I felt this past year and a half, and I’ve felt my share of pain in my lifetime. So I knew that this will take time, but I also knew that all this loss took a physical toll on me not just mentally, and I realized how badly I treated myself. My self-care, healing started there, knowing… understanding where I am at this moment and try to map my way through this difficulty, and patching up my heart. I know it will never be completely patched together, but I know I can feel better with myself and find my truth again.

After a lot of writing, I started by acting, acting on my words again. Acting on my dreams and wishes, like doing my tattoos, opening my youtube channel, and more to come 😀 I started acting on what my mind, my soul, and my body, needed. I listened again to my thoughts that pushed me and pulled me up, ignoring the thoughts that tried to take me down. I went back to books and started reading again, filling my mind with uplifting images, and thoughts. Examining my feeling and my thoughts through journaling and writing. Moving my body slowly, trying to connect to it again. Feeling how it moves as I change my yoga positions, listening to where my body wants to move or go, and I also went back to my tarot that always were a great tool for a deeper examination of my thoughts and feelings.

After all of this, I know that the road to healing is still far but I am closer now, as I am on the path that I need to be.

With all these small but impactful changes, I want to change this place as well. I feel that I need to share more of myself and less of others, lol, and that means more content that I truly am excited to write and share with you. Lately (this past year and a half) I have fallen out of blogging and not because I don’t like to write or share things with you but because I lost my voice. Yes, stress and loss can do that, but I think it also happened because I no longer want to post the same things that I’ve always posted, I want more from this, and I know that you feel that too.

We all consume so much data these days, our mind is better than a computer and it likes to consume more and more data, so if you here like me and you already invested your time, and energy in reading posts, I want that at least you will be able to take something with you.

So if you ask yourself, okay Galit what is your blog will be about then?
Well, it will be about me, my thoughts, my experiences and of course it will be about books and writing, but not in the same format as it was before, that is all. I will still share writing tips but only from my own pov. I will share book reviews, but most of them will be again from my pov and what I got from them. I want to share more posts on how to uplift ourselves, how to grow, and fill ourselves with the things that important and fun for us.

After an entire year of suffering for most of us, a year of hardships as the world around us broke and burned, I want this little corner of the internet to be a place that we can come together, chat and grow and feel better with ourselves, I want us to heal again and patch our hearts, so we can be stronger and go after our dreams and be kinder to ourselves (and to others).

So here I am, in this little corner of the world, saying goodbye to those whom I loved and gone, saying goodbye to the sorrow and pain, and saying goodbye to who no longer know my value, all while saying hello to the world again, to new adventures, new beginnings and most importantly, welcoming healing and light, love and joy (it sounds kitschy but we all can use more joy in the world). The earthquake is gone now, and now I can rebuild on what was left and build a stronger version of myself.

My mom colored painted this with watercolors ❤

I truly hope in my heart that the entire year of 2020-2021 was not so horrible for nothing, I know that we can all grow from this, to be stronger and better versions of ourselves, and be more equipt with the tools we need to continue to survive and thrive and know more joy and love in our lives.

Let this experience shape us into what we want to be and how we want to live (It is never too late). Don’t let the earthquake break you. Let this pain and sorrow be your motivations and be the hand that guides you away from the darkness and into the sun again. And if you are not there yet completely, like me… You are welcome to stay here, cuddled up with a warm drink, a good book in this small corner of the internet, where I know there is so much kindness and love here.
And know that “this, too, shall pass” – Abraham Lincoln.

My mom colored this image with watercolors and it turned out so beautiful ❤ I miss her so much and her art.

This was a long post, sorry, but I guess I had a lot to say (finally, lol).
Thank you for being here and as always,

Thank you so much for reading ❤
Galit


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